En people-pleaser er en som ønsker at andre rundt seg skal ha det bra, og som holder seg selv ansvarlig for andres følelser.
En people-pleaser er en som er mer opptatt av og flinkere til å hensynta andre enn å hensynta seg selv.
People-pleasing involves putting someone else's needs ahead of your own.
For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.
Other people-pleasers have a history of maltreatment, and somewhere along the way, they decided that their best hope for better treatment was to try to please the people who mistreated them. Over time, for them, people-pleasing became a way of life.
In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it's important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:
- Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
- Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won't like them if they don't go above and beyond to make them happy.
- Perfectionism: Sometimes people want everything to be "just so," including how other people think and feel.
- Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. People who have experienced abuse, for example, may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering abusive behavior in others.
The motivation to help others can sometimes be a form of altruism. A person might genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help that they need. In other cases, people-pleasing can be a way to feel validated or liked. By making sure that people are happy, they feel as if they are useful and valued.
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People-pleasers are highly attuned to others and are often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. However, people-pleasers may have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as "sociotropy," or feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships.
If you’re in a constant people pleaser mode, you can lose sight of who you are. You may have no idea of what truly makes you happy. People pleasers may spend so much time trying to please others that they don’t know what to do with themselves if there’s no one asking them for something. Constant people-pleasing behavior can lead to:
Lack of self-care
Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. You may find yourself getting sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone.
Built-up resentment
You may find yourself bottling up anger because you feel that people take advantage of you. That can lead you to make passive-aggressive comments and show other signs of your frustration. You may start pulling away from people instead of letting them know what’s going on and working to improve the situation.
Inability to enjoy yourself
The stress from constant people pleasing can make it hard to enjoy simple pleasures like going out for ice cream or watching your favorite TV show. Committing yourself to a lot of different things can make it hard for you to wind down and relax because of the constant stress.
Anxiety and Stress
Efforts to keep other people happy can stretch your own physical and mental resources too thin. Trying to manage it all can leave you plagued with stress and anxiety, which can have detrimental effects on your health.
Helping other people can actually have a number of mental health benefits. But not leaving time for yourself means you might end up experiencing the negative health consequences of excess stress.
Depleted Willpower
Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals.
Some research suggests that willpower and self-control may be limited resources. If you are using your mental resources to make sure that other people have what they want or need, it might mean that you simply have little left to devote to your own needs.
Lack of Authenticity
People-pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. This can make it feel as if you are not living your life authentically—it may even leave you feeling as if you don’t know yourself at all.
Hiding your true feelings makes it difficult for other people to get to know the real you. Self-disclosure is important in any close relationship, but it isn't effective if you aren't disclosing your true self.
Weaker Relationships
If you are putting all of your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.
People may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. All they know is that you are always willing to lend a hand, so they have no doubt that you’ll show up whenever you're needed. What they may not see is how thin you are stretched and how overcommitted you might be.
People-pleasers:
- Wear themselves out trying to please everyone
- Take on tasks they could easily assign
- Avoid taking charge and have difficulty making decisions
- Sugarcoat responses and resist honest feedback
- Portray a false image of friendliness
- Overlook their own plans, feelings, and needs
- Tolerate bad performance or behavior
- Become resentful when things don’t play out in their favor
- Manipulate people to avoid asking for what they want
https://consultingsociety.com/the-risks-of-working-for-a-people-pleasing-leader/
Et kjennetegn ved en people-pleaser er at de intuitivt innhenter informasjon om og forsøker å hensynta preferanser, ønsker og personlighetstrekk til personene de omgir seg med.
Å samle innsikt om andre så man kan hensynta de er ikke iboende problematisk, men for en people-pleaser kan det utvikle seg i en uheldig retning jo mer innsikt man får, fordi hensyntagelsesjobben da blir mer kompleks.
Jo mer innsikt en people-pleaser har om en annen, jo bedre vil de forsøke å hensynta vedkommende, og jo større er risikoen for at denne hensyntagelsen vil gå på bekosning av å hensynta seg selv.
Som people-pleaser kan man, på kort sikt, motvirke denne dynamikken ved å samle tilsvarende informasjon om seg selv (som et grunnlag for egen hensyntagelse), eller begrense hvor mye innsikt man har om andre.
På lengre sikt vil løsningen være å jobbe med å skape en sunn balanse mellom det å hensynta andre og det å hensynta seg selv.
It’s healthy to recognize how your behavior influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions.
Whether you say yes and then actually follow through, or you later fake an illness to get out your commitments, you’ll never reach your goals if you can’t speak up for yourself.
You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do.
Before you make a decision, ask yourself:
- How much time will this take?
- Is this something I really want to do?
- Do I have time to do it?
- How stressed am I going to be if I say "yes?"
Research has also found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy.
By giving yourself a moment, you'll be better able to accurately decide if it is something you have the desire and time to take on.
Whether you excessively blame yourself, or fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You don’t have to be sorry for being you.
People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others. The confidence of a people pleaser rises and falls based on how others perceive them.
Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.
There is a distinction between doing things to be nice and doing things because you're a people-pleaser. People often do nice things for a range of reasons: to feel good, to help, to return a favor, or to earn a favor. If you're doing something because you are afraid that you’ll be disliked or rejected if you say "no," there’s a strong chance that people-pleasing is at work.
Just because someone is mad doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But if you can’t stand the thought of someone being displeased with you, you’ll be more likely to compromise your values.
While praise and kind words can make anyone feel good, people pleasers depend on validation. If your self-worth rests entirely on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments.
It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the things — and the people — you really believe in.
You can’t form authentic relationships with people unless you’re willing to speak up sometimes and say that your feelings are hurt. Denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — even when you’re emotionally wounded — keeps a relationship superficial.